Hey, I’m back.
It’s been a long time, a move, a year of intense studies, emotional growth and awakening. A year of love and heartbreak.
Just now I talked to my best friend and first and only love (more than three years) about a personality quiz I had taken. One of my answers strongly suggested therianthropy. He didn’t like it.
I just… we had a long discussion about it with him trying to get me to slip up while saying something and him using it to prove me wrong in some way. I don’t understand and I’m very hurt. I know who I am - and that’s a wolf, residing in a human body, a therianthrope. He may know me well, but doesn’t know me like I know myself. How can he force me to deny something that is a part of me…?
It just hurts so bad. He told me he accepts me for who I am. He once held me in his arms and told me he loved every part of me.
But does he not love the wolf I am inside?
Because if he doesn’t, then he doesn’t love me.
(think I should probablt put a trigger warning here for descriptions of self-harm and “homesickness”)
Too scared. Too fearful. Too fucking painful inside.
I want to go home. Not here. This isn’t home. Not of this world, not in this time. A place so painful and cruel as this can’t be home.
I want to go to a place, my own place, a different universe. To some place I can relax and be free and not have anyone bother me anymore.
I wish I could somehow transport myself to a big, dark cave, with crystals growing everywhere and I’ll hide in a corner with the most crystals and use the sharpest of them to cut out the burning firey twisting mass of congealed blood and frozen tears that is my heart. And then let the cold icy crystals freeze it over until it’s numb. Until I can’t feel anymore. And I’ll let the crystals grow over me, encasing me in a cocoon of sorts, protecting me, immobilizing me. And it’ll become so cold, so cold time will freeze and everything will stop.
And then I’ll stay there with the tears freezing over my eyes, whiling away eternity by revisiting each and every memory I have in my head, re-living the life I was living happily, experiencing the freedom I once had, and forget about the bleakness of reality. Time will freeze and so will everything else in the world. I’ll stay there and just exist. Not feel anything anymore. Just be there, a shadow, and empty shell. And I’ll stay there until my numerous wounds have healed, until my heart stops burning up and when I finally stop bleeding and recover the amount of blood I have lost.
And then I’ll howl. One long, painful, eternal howl. Of the memories I left behind. Of the cruelness of present reality. Of denial of the future. Of my life, each note a memory, a dream, a regret.
Of what was supposed to have been mine.
Had such a bad mental shift just now. I was at dinner with some friends and family and I felt the mental shifts start. I forced them back, and continued socializing until it was time to eat.
So the food arrived, and I got lamb chops. As I cut the meat, I saw that it wasn’t completely cooked through. Pinkish-red juices started oozing out. Suddenly I had this vision of what the meat would look like raw, without all the spices on it. Then what it would look like if it weren’t cut. Then the lamb that it came from. Then I saw myself, as a wolf, ripping into the flesh of the lamb, the warm blood trickling down my throat. And for an instant I caught the rusty scent of blood.
I forced the shifts back again, and just ate the meat trying not to think too much about it. But of course, when you try not to think about something, you can’t help but think about it. Then I gagged and started to throw up. This was not real food. This was processed and tainted.
My thoughts went to the lamb being raised on a farm, along with so many other lambs, force-fed food and hormones to make them grow bigger and faster. Led on a conveyor-belt in a slaughterhouse and killed. The blood drained, the meat cleaned, cut, packaged and sold. The meat on the table, washed, spiced, cooked and lying on the plate in front of me. It was all fake. I couldn’t eat this garbage. It was poisoned.
In order to seem normal, I forced myself to finish all the meat. Then I tried to eat some vegetables and some garlic bread. This time, I really did throw up, but I excused myself to the bathroom just in time. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to eat anything else without my body rejecting it, so in the end I just ate only meat. And I drank a lot of water, several glasses of it.
It was really bad. I felt restless, I wanted to run and bite and get away from there. Then I realized that I couldn’t anyway, not just because of the situation I was in, but also that my legs weren’t built the right way, my body was awkward and weak, and wouldn’t run the way I was supposed to, the speed with which I want to run. I was suddenly aware of the position I was in, the clothes on my body, the lights in the room, the sounds and movement. It was all wrong! I couldn’t take it! I wanted to curl up into a corner and hide, and I also wanted to attack something or someone. Why were my feet trapped in shoes? Suddenly my jeans and sneakers felt too tight, too restricting. Everything was too bright, it was so noisy, it was too overwhelming for me. I was either going to explode or collapse.
I’m okay now, I made a lame excuse on food poisoning or not feeling well, but after that I can’t concentrate on doing work or chores. I keep pacing around, searching for something that isn’t there.
I think I’ll go to bed and sleep it off for a bit. I wish I could go outside to do so.
It was late at night, and here we are finally alone together with time to talk. I never thought we’d still be friends after all that has happened. But here we are, and tonight I will tell you something that I’ve always wanted to share with someone all my life.
The night sky was tinged a dirty yellow from the city lights in the distance. The fields seemed to stretch on forever and beyond, a magical, otherworldly place. My soul cried out to get away and run free and unrestrained into the horizon. I could feel the tendrils of a mental shift wrap around my consciousness. Not now, I tell myself. After tonight, you won’t have to run alone.
The wolf in me protested but obeyed, though still prowling at the boundaries of my humanity. I turned to face you instead. I could see the curiosity in your eyes, wondering what I was going to say. What do you see in my own eyes? If eyes are truly the windows to the soul, do you see the wolf staring back at you?
I was ready. I smiled to ease the awkward tension between us, and asked “Hey, how about I ask you a random question?”
"Sure. What is it?"
"Do you believe animals have s-" No, not like that, bring up the subject slowly. "I mean, if animals had language to express themselves better, what would they think about abstract ideas such as philosophy, morality and religion?"
I waited with bated breath for what you were going to say next. I had prepared and waited for this moment for a long time.
You took a while to think. You tilted your head, your hair falling slowly across your eyes and I had to fight the urge to reach up and brush it away. You were so beautiful in the dim light.
"Er…I’d say it would be different."
Huh?! What did you just say? Okay, not the answer I expected, but there’s no reason to panic. Relax.
I moved in my seat to get a closer look at you and asked “Different? Why?”
My heart pounded as I waited your response. Finally the wait was over. No longer would I have to be alone, no longer would I have to hide. In my head I visualized you giving the answer I anticipated and me wrapping a (phantom) wing around you as I told you what I really was, a therianthrope, a wolf soul residing in a human body.
"They’re different because animals don’t have souls."
I recoiled as shock and disbelief swept through me. Did you really say that? No. NO!
Calm down. Relax. Just say something back. Don’t show how hurt you are.
"Hmm. Why don’t you think animals have…souls?"
I felt my heart constrict as I uttered those words, and felt it shatter as you responded.
"Well, when God created humans, He created them in his own image. Animals didn’t get that."
My heart fell. The wolf howled in agony as I looked away. I released my hold and let the shifts take over. I looked up at you, into those dark emerald eyes, eyes which I had looked into and let touch my heart, eyes which would never look into my own again and see the wolf looking back. You’re so beautiful, I thought. But you’ll never see my blood when I’m bleeding.
The ground rushed toward me as I ran across the field, wind rushing through my hair, cold air flooding my lungs and the adrenaline surging through my veins.
For a brief moment, reds and yellows took on a brighter, eerie hue, and I was running on all fours with the wind ruffling my fur. It was a moment I’ll never forget.
I throw off my jacket on the ground and increase my speed. My phone rings, your name flashing on the screen. I toss the phone on the ground as well and continue running.
I run until my legs feel as if they would fall off. I drop to all fours, a wild exhilaration sweeping over me. This is where I belong. This is what I was meant to do.
Nothing you could do would ever give me the comfort and peace that this brings me. You would never understand what I truly was, and with a jolt I realized that I didn’t care anymore whether you accepted me or not. The only person I needed to accept me, was me. I was finally at peace with myself, and this inner peace washed away all the hurt you brought me in the past.
I lift my head to the sky, close my eyes and howl.
With that one howl, I fully embraced my therian side, and let go of my self-doubt, suffering and loneliness. And with that one howl, I let go of you as well.
I’ve had it with keeping shutum about my therian side from the people around me.
I still find it hard to understand the concept of therianthropy and how to cope with it, and hide it from others. (I will save my struggle with accepting my therian side for another time)
There aren’t very many people I can talk to about therianthropy where I live, and I know for sure that there aren’t any therians in my area. I have come close to talking to someone about it, but it didn’t work out and I was feeling very depressed afterwards.
I’d like to make some other therian friends since the community seems very close-knit and friendly.
I am a wolf therian, but I get the feeling that I might be sort of draconic too. Maybe otherkin? I’m not sure. I still need to do some soul-searching to be sure, but for now I want to get some opinions and ideas from other people to help me form my own decisions.
I will write about my theriotype and beliefs another time. I understand that this probably isn’t enough for anyone to get a good understanding about me, but I’ll be back. Thanks for reading.